HAWK MAMA DEAD
by Hawkmamaknows
Summary: The citizens of Lioness gather to celebrate the life and legacy of its greater warrior. During the ceremony, secrets are revealed that may tear Lioness apart.


The rain fell in a light, steady drizzle as the citizens of Lioness who hadn't been eaten or suffocated or drowned or burned or crushed or melted or squished or chewed up or turned into zombies or bubbled into demons gathered in the clearing next to the cemetery. They would not all fit into the small cemetery where Lioness' most distinguished Holy Knights had been buried, so a large area had been cleared of trees and rubble and a giant hole had been dug to prepare for the body of Lioness' greatest warrior: Hawk Mama.

The king himself was even there, and in fact stepped up to the little podium that had been constructed out of what used to be the most popular shoe boutique in the city. Baltra cleared his throat and addressed the crowd, stroking his long beard. "Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to celebrate the great life and contributions of this giant, green pig." He stops, taking a deep breath as women dab their eyes with handkerchiefs, men squeezing their eyes closed to stop the tears, "We have lost many of our citizens, many of whom were dropped or exploded or chewed or suffocated or drowned or thrown from a cliff. I saw one man run into a chainsaw to get away from a demon with a pitchfork. But, most notably, we suffered the loss of four incredibly honorable Holy Knights."

Many noses were blown by the king's sad words as he continued, "Dogedo, who had the ability to make us laugh. He was always walking around with his pants split. No one would tell him, and we'd laugh for days." Several Holy Knights, including Gilthunder, nodded and clasped each other's shoulders in a very manly way.

"Marmas, who will always be remembered for his uncanny abilities in the annual Holy Knights Secret Santa. I remember the year I got him; how he managed to sneak chocolates into my underwear drawer I never could figure out." Howzer and Slader wrapped their arms around each other and began sobbing, pressing their forehead together in a highly manly way.

"Gustaf, whose sister is here with us today." Baltra nodded in acknowledgment to Jericho, who stood stiffly in the front row. Tears streamed down her face as she sniffled in response. Ban had his hand on her head, and she started shaking harder. "What can I say about Gustaf? He had beautiful hair." The others murmured their agreement. "He played the banjo exceptionally well." More murmuring was heard from the crowd. "And his greatest accomplishment, he had a sister."

There was a smattering of applause, and Jericho bowed to the king. "And finally," Baltra continued, his hand stopping in his beard as his eyes close, "my own brother-"

"WAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!" wailed Deathpierce. Slader pushed Howzer to the side and hurried over to pull the sobbing knight into his arms.

"My brother-"

"WHY DID THEY HAVE TO KILL HIM? WHYYYYYY?" Deldrey screamed, falling to her knees. Howzer hurried over and pulled the sobbing knight into his arms.

"MY BROTHER-"

"TAKE ME! TAKE ME INSTEAD!" cried Arden, throwing himself to the ground. No one hurried over to pull the sobbing knight into their arms. He laid spread eagle and face first, sobbing into the grass as he wiggled like a worm.

"MYBROTHERDENZEL," Baltra hurried out, before he could be interrupted again. "Denzel, you were a wonderful brother, much better than Gustaf. And despite all the years of noogies and wedgies, and your horrible plan of using one of those no-good goddess scaredy cats who run away like basic bitches while fighting the demons, we'll all miss you."

Here the king paused as the crowd wailed and cried and sobbed and jumped up and down and blew their collective noses. After a moment of silence afterwards, he continued, "If there is anyone who would like to say a few words, please come up now or forever hold your peace."

The first to step up was Princess Elizabeth. Her huge blue eye was filled with tears that rolled down her sensitive cheeks, her clothes covered in dirt and jello and twigs and leaves and mud. She dabbed her face with a handkerchief and began, "I met Hawk Mama an undetermined time ago," her voice was wobbly as everyone nodded along with the doe eyed princess, "when she came to my rescue when Twigo tried to slice me into ribbons. She was really big and green. So green. I was surprised by the fact a pig could be green. She was very loyal, and beautiful, and a good friend. She even let me give birth to my eight babies right on her back, and didn't mind all the afterbirth at all. And there was a lot of freaking afterbirth." Several of Lioness' finest Holy Knights swallowed thickly at the idea as she gave a watery smile to her eight children, who were all harnessed and leashed to a nearby tree. One of them gnawing viciously on a tree branch, the other ones cackling and gurgling and just being all baby like. "But most of all, I'll remember the way that Hawk Mama would carry us all in her little hat, and never charged us rent, not once. I think she hated that."

Suddenly Elizabeth was overcome by emotion, and Margaret hurried up and helped her back to her seat. The next to stand and come to the front was Ban. He put his hands in his pockets and said, "Uh, I thought you were weird at first, but now I think you're all right. Much love." He kissed two fingers and then put them up to the sky and stepped down.

Next up was Gowther. Who walked up steadily. "Greetings to you all," he said, pushing up his glasses. "It seems as though the giant pig that our group has been living on top of has expired, which apparently causes feelings of sadness and grief in a large quantity of people. I do not experience such emotions, so in lieu of that I will be attempting to have several side effects." He pulled a small book from his pocket and opened to a marked page. "So if any of you experience any of the following, please send me a note so I can come and observe and mimic your misery. Side effects may include but are not limited to," he held up one finger, peering into the crowd, "sadness, confusion, despair, fear, anger, anxiety, guilt, insomnia, irritability, fatigue, difficulty concentrating, increased heart rate, spontaneous bouts of crying, loss of hair or limb, and weight fluctuations. That is all. Thank you."

Diane approached next, held up awkwardly by a very blushing King, who was using his entire body to push against her shoulder. "Oh Hawk Mama," she sobbed, entire face crumbling. "You were like an older sister to me! We walked around everywhere and you even weighed more than I did! Or like, you were that one ugly friend you need to have so you look thin and pretty. We always would have long talks about where to find the best mud to eat and what color the sky was and how you found the best truffles. And you brought me my clothes when I was naked in a hole with Howzer!" Everyone spun their heads around to look at Howzer, whose mouth was open in shock. King growled as he turned new and interesting shades of red, smoke coming out of his pointed fairy ears. "I'll never forget you, Hawk Mama!" she sobbed loudly, screaming into the sky. Elizabeth hurried to the front and embraced her friend's leg, and Diane walked to the side of the group, the princess riding on her boot, holding on to the shoestrings as they both cried. Diane actually creating large puddles everywhere.

Merlin took the stage next, wearing a very appropriate set of black pasties and a slice of pimento loaf as pants. "Hawk Mama," she said with one of her signature mysterious smiles, "I always wondered what the hell you were. I guess I'll never know now." She looked around at the group mysteriously, and they all shifted nervously. "That's kind of annoying." She then closed her eyes, floating into the sky higher and higher and higher as everyone craned their necks to follow, until she became but a speck in the sky.

There was a long moment, as no one wanted to follow that, so Meliodas finally stepped up, hastily pulling his bangs down over his forehead. "Hey everybody!" he said cheerily. "Yeah, I'm back now. Surprise! Nishishishishi…" He looked around at their confused and shocked faces and said, "Okay, well, I met Hawk Mama after she picked me up while I was hitchhiking after Dreyfus and Hendrickson framed me and the other Sins for killing Zaratras. Hey guys! Thanks for that!" He waved to the two Grand Masters, who waved back in embarrassment. "Let's give them a round of applause, huh? Who would have thought those two assholes would have survived this long? I joke, I joke."

Meliodas took a deep breath. "Okay, so Hawk Mama let me live in her hat, and in exchange-"

Suddenly, a pink cylinder came crashing through the crowd, knocking head-on into the Dragon Sin. "Rolling Ham Attack!" Hawk squealed as Meliodas grunted, flying head over feet into a ravine that exploded into a water bomb. Then the little piggy hopped up and flashed a thumbs up at the crowd, his teeth shining. "There you go! I took care of the evil demons!"

"Hawk," Elizabeth whispered loudly. "That was Meliodas! He is one of the good guys, kind of, we think." Elizabeth looked over at the others who looked just as confused, until they all shrugged. "He seems alright."

"Oh." Hawk sniffled for a moment. "Well, it's my turn to talk anyway." The crowd sat back down in revered silence as Hawk turned and looked sadly at his dead mother's corpse. Tears fell in rivers from the piggy's eyes, but as he spoke, his voice became stronger, if not squeakier. "We are gathered here to share the joy and the grief and the pain that the passing of my mother brings. My hope is that by sharing and remembering together, we will also experience the joy that was knowing my mama, Hawk Mama."

His voice seemed to drift over all of lioness, even the rain becoming quieter as it listened to him.

"It's very hard to say goodbye to such a mama like Hawk Mama…" He pugoed a couple times, other nodding along. "We wish we had more time, one more giant hole in the ground to be dug, one more call of PUUUGGOOOO in the middle of the night and waking up everyone for miles. While we know she is now at peace, and her struggle against those no-good Ten Commandments is over, there is pain and sadness in her death."

People started thinking back- remembering the first time they saw the giant green pig, remembering how they partied on top of her back in an unlicensed illegal tavern, and all the great times she dug up the surrounding area leaving giant holes to be filled by annoyed villagers. All those wonderful times.

"She has left a legacy of love for us all. She kept so much of us close to her giant, green heart. Many people don't know this, but she was a survivor. Her first bout with tragedy came the day when Galan nearly destroyed her beloved hat with his giant demon dick. Mama never talked about that day, but I knew, like many of you, it haunted her for hours afterwards. I had to help clean that shit up."

Meliodas head popped out of the water, his eyes deadpanned as he shivered, before he slowly sank back down under. Little bubbles popping on the surface of the lake.

"Hawk Mama wasn't just my mama. She was mama to all the Sins who lived in her hat, rent-free. Who else but Hawk Mama would have picked up Ban from the Fairy King's Forest, his clothes shredded to pieces? Hawk Mama didn't even care. Who else but Hawk Mama would have welcomed both King and Marlin back after their ill-fated love affair ended?" King choked loudly as Diane's crying abruptly stopped, her head _slowly_ turning towards the fairy. "And who, but my mother, would have kept the vile secret that Meliodas is a cross-dresser and frequently role plays sexually with his many clones?"

Elizabeth sighed. A dreamy look taking over her face. Ban sighed, a look of death and despair taking over his face.

"Even those who weren't Sins were welcomed into her loving pork family! Pugo! King Arthur spent many a day and afternoon and morning and night using Mama as a safe space to explore his own sexuality! He was more cock blocked than anything, but he tried and that's what counts right!" Some women nodded their heads, while all the men desperately shook theirs. "The Holy Knights stopped by often to visit Hawk Mama to drink or smoke or just say hello. Hawk Mama was a sounding board when people had disagreements, or fights to the death.

"But most of all, Hawk Mama represented family. She allowed Elizabeth to raise her gaggle of children on her back, never asking once for child support. Hawk Mama believed in family. She believed in Lioness. And she believed in every one of us. Hawk Mama will live on forever, inside of our hearts. And that's what I'll remember most of all."

Absolutely everyone was distraught and beside themselves sobbing and crying and tearing their hair and clothes off in misery; most because of the very emotional and stirring speech Hawk had given, but some because he had inadvertently exposed their deepest and darkest secrets. Ban was vomiting steadily into a helmet, Jericho, holding back his hair for him as he had horrendous flashbacks about Congo lines. Escanor looked around nervously for Merlin, as King shot everyone scowling looks as Diane… twitches. Elizabeth gathered up all of her children in her arms at once; when that proved too difficult, she began juggling them into the air, earning a small bit of sad applause and several dollars for her efforts. King Arthur, who had just arrived for some reason, immediately does an about face and turns around, walking out as Cath meowed insistently into his ear. Gowther observed it all, frantically scratching notes into his notebook.

There was much wailing and crying from everyone, until finally Baltra stumbled to the front again, tripping over his robes and beard which were now soaked and heavy from the rain.

"That was goddamn beautiful," he said, wiping his tears with his eyebrows. "Now let's get this body in the ground so we can all-"

"WAIT!"

Everyone turned to the source of the scream, and Howzer ran frantically to the front, pushing the king out of the way. "Wait, wait, I have to say something!"

"Howzer! Ix-nay on the onfession-cay," Gilthunder hissed at him desperately. Making frantic hand and arm signals.

Howzer shook his head. "No. NO! no, no. I have to do this. If I don't I'll-I'll regret this forever! Surpressing the memory into the deepest darkest a part of my mind" He turned and looked down at Hawk, ignoring Gilthunder's scream of "that's where it belongs!"and continues. "I will never, ever forget your mother. Hawk mama… Oh, I am so, so sorry that this happened. And the truth is… well, the truth is…" He looked out over the crowd with glistening eyes and said, "The truth is, Hawk Mama and I were in love!"

There was a huge gasp from the crowd, and Elizabeth had to grab Hawk by one of the ears to keep him from Rolling Ham Attacking the Holy Knight as he continues quickly, a fist clenched over his heart as he shakes with emotion, "I loved this giant fucking pig! Yes, she was big. Yes, she was green. Yes, she was a pig. But she and I shared one night of magic so intense that I actually crossed a celestial plane! She gave me the best sex I had ever had. The only sex I had ever had!"

Everyone moaned, completely grossed out, as Howzer walked over to the giant pig corpse and laid a gentle hand on her rump. "Hawk Mama," he whispered, loud enough for everyone to hear, unfortunately. "I love you. I never got to tell you this, but I do. And if there was any way you came back to life, then I swear I would spend every last one of my days making you the happiest pig in Lio-"

Suddenly the entire ground shook, and to everyone's delight and surprise and slight horror, Hawk Mama spun and jumped to her feet with an earth shattering "PPUUUUUUGGGGGOOOOO!" With much more speed and agility than such a giant pig should have. A giant bright, and _alive_ gleam in her beady black eyes.

"Mama!" Hawk squealed, his ears and tail beating the ground rapidly. "You're awake!"

"What the hell just happened?" Ban shouted.

"Hawk Mama was revived by the power of love," Elizabeth said, her eyes forming heart shapes.

Everyone looked at Howzer expectantly. "Uh," he cleared his throat. "I mean." Nervously he pulled at his collar and looked up at Hawk Mama. Who was staring down at him.

Intensely.

Focused.

With _passion._

Howzer sweated more, chuckling. "Love is a- a pretty big word, you see well, I mean-"

With a roar, Hawk Mama began to stomp Howzer into the ground, breaking his bones and making his hair go flat. "I'll call you sometime," he croaked into the dirt as the crowd began to dissipate.

"Well, what do we do now?" King said.

Gilthunder shrugged. "We still gotta kill the rest of the Ten Commandments and free Britannia."

"Oh yeah, that," Escanor said.

"Wait, where did you even come from?" Ban asked, looking pointedly at Diane and King.

* * *

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

HAWK MAMA NOT DEAD

HAWK MAMA JUST NEEDED A SPA DAY

HAWK MAMA ALIVE

#HAWKMAMALIVES


End file.
